Talking to multiple guys at once: how to keep them straight

Talking to multiple guys at once is normal in the early stages of online dating, as long as you haven’t agreed to be exclusive with anyone. Keep the number small enough that you can remember each of them, and write a few details down after you chat. When one of them starts to matter, be honest with him and with the others.

Is it okay to talk to multiple guys at once?

Yes. Early on, a dating app is a way to meet people, and most of the guys you match with are chatting to other women too. When a man on r/hingeapp asked about talking to several women at once, commenters told him it’s very common, and that the women he was chatting to could easily be juggling more connections than him (r/hingeapp).

Women also tend to get a lot of messages. In a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, 54% of women who had used dating apps recently said they’d felt overwhelmed by the number of messages they received, compared with about a quarter of men (Pew Research Center).

Talking to a few guys is fine. What keeps it kind:

• No false promises. Don’t tell anyone he’s the only one if he isn’t.
• Honest answers. If he asks whether you’re seeing other people, tell him.
• Full attention. When you’re talking to Josh, you’re talking to Josh.
• Clear endings. When you’re done, say so.

How many guys should you talk to at once?

There’s no magic number, and fewer is often better. In a University of Wisconsin-Madison study, people who chose a partner from 24 dating profiles were less satisfied with their choice a week later than people who chose from six (UW-Madison). More options can mean more second-guessing.

Hinge builds in a limit of its own. With Your Turn Limits, once too many people are waiting on your reply, you can’t send or receive new Likes until you reply or end some chats (Hinge Help).

Daters set their own limits too. On r/hingeapp, one dater found about three people was the most they could talk to and date well, and another pauses once two good conversations are going (r/hingeapp).

A useful test: could you name one thing each guy told you this week? If not, you have more conversations than you can enjoy. Take a break from new matches while you catch up:

• Hinge: Pause stops you being shown to new people, and you can keep chatting with your current matches (Hinge Help).
• Bumble: Snooze mode hides your profile from new people, and you can still chat with existing connections (Bumble).

How do you keep them straight?

Say Ellie is chatting to two guys. Josh is on Hinge, a physio in Newstead with a kelpie called Pip. Marcus is on Bumble, teaches Year 5, and is training for a half marathon. Without notes, by Thursday Pip has become Marcus’s dog.

Here’s how to avoid that:

1. Keep one note per guy. His name, the app, his suburb, his work, three things he told you, and one question for next time. The free dating spreadsheet template has columns for all of this. The Who am I talking to? board gives you one card per guy in your browser, with nothing uploaded.
2. Write it after each chat. Two minutes, while it’s fresh. Never during a date.
3. Give each one a clear label in your phone. “Josh physio” works better than “Josh Hinge”, especially if you match with two Joshes. One Redditor joked about saving a common name with the app as a surname and ending up with four of them (r/hingeapp).
4. Read his note before you reply or meet. Thirty seconds, and the details are fresh again.
5. Check the name before you send. Quick replies from a notification are where slips happen. One dater described mixing up two new matches with similar names while replying through Hinge’s quick reply (r/Bumble).
6. Space out your dates. One dater on r/hingeapp fitted three dates into five days and called it fun but a terrible idea (r/hingeapp). Put every date in your calendar too. One r/dating poster arrived for a date to find his match had booked two dates at once and mixed him up with the other guy (r/dating).

What if you mix them up?

Own it quickly. A slip in the first week is easy to recover from. Later on, it stings more. In an r/OnlineDating thread, a woman six weeks in described a date asking about something she’d never told him. The most upvoted reply said that after six weeks, you should be able to tell someone apart from the others (r/OnlineDating).

If it happens, our guide to calling a match the wrong name has kind, practical scripts.

When should you stop talking to other guys?

When you and one guy agree to be exclusive. Until then, you’re both free to date. If you want to know where you stand, ask. Signs it might be time for that talk:

• You’re looking forward to his messages more than anyone else’s.
• You’ve stopped making plans with the others.
• You’d be upset to hear he was still dating around.
• He’s started introducing you to his friends.

You can keep it simple: “I like where this is going, and I’d like it to be just us. How do you feel about that?” If he says yes, close your other chats and pause or delete the app.

How to be honest when it gets serious

With the guy you’re choosing. If he asks whether you were seeing other people, tell him the truth: “Yes, early on. I stopped when I realised I wanted to see where this goes.” Early overlap is easy to explain when you’re open about it. Finding out later is what hurts trust.

With the others. A short, kind message is better than a slow fade. Use one detail from your note so it feels personal:

“Hi Marcus, I’ve loved chatting with you. I’ve started seeing someone and I want to give it a proper go, so I’m going to step back. Good luck with the half marathon.”

Keep it to three sentences. Skip long explanations, comparisons, and “maybe later” if you don’t mean it.

With yourself. Once you’ve said goodbye, delete your notes about the others. It’s a clean finish, and it lets you give your full attention to the guy you chose.

Where Fond fits

Fond is an iPhone app that helps you remember the little things each guy tells you. Screenshot a chat or his profile and share it to Fond. It reads it on your iPhone, works out who he is and who said what, and adds the details to a private note about him, from his dog’s name to his plans for the weekend. Each fact links back to the screenshot it came from. Everything stays on your phone, locked with Face ID, with no account and no servers. Get Fond on the App Store.